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Desconectado Thorir

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Un poquejo de humor(en ingles)
« en: 19 de Noviembre de 2009, 13:14:30 »
sacado de http://forum.roguetrader.nu/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=12227

Chaos vs Lojalist names

"My Lord, I bring news."

Typhus Marburg paused in his study of the situation map of the dreary little planet his forces were engaged in ravaging.

"Yes?"

"Lord. Starships have appeared in the outer system and are on course for a landing. They have been identified aselements of the Flesh Tearers."

"Yeah? Tell them to sod off and find their own world. Tell 'em we got here first."

"Sire, you misunderstand. They are here to defend this world!"

"What! Why? It's a sorry state of affairs when the followers of Chaos start to defend the weakling Imperium from each other!"

"Um, Lord... the Flesh Tearers are a loyalist chapter."

"They are? With a name like that! Are you sure they're not one of ours?"

"Positive, My Lord."

"Have you been able to call for any assistance?"

"The Astropaths have contacted other forces nearby. Unfortunately this has also alerted other loyalist forces in the sector and they are also headed our way."

"Bugger. So who gets here first then?"

"The Alpha Legion, sire."

"It never rains, it only pours, hey?"

"Umm..."

"What!"

"The Alpha Legion is one of ours."

"It is?!"

"Yes."

"I'm confused. You're telling me that a mob called the 'Flesh Tearers' isn't one of ours but a mob called the - what was it again..."

"The Alpha Legion, sire."

"Right... a mob called the Alpha Legion is one of ours."

"That is correct, sire."

"So who else is showing up to this barney then?"

"The Blood Drinkers."

"One of ours?"

"One of theirs."

"OK."

"The Iron Warriors."

"One of theirs?"

"No. One of ours."

"Go figure."

"The Dark Angels."

"Now I've heard of them. Followers of Slaanesh aren't they?"

"No, I think you're thinking of The Fallen, sire. The Dark Angels are Loyalists too."

"Bugger. So who else then?"

"The Emperor's Children."

"Oh, that one's too easy. They're obviously loyalists with a name like that."

"Um, not exactly my Lord."

"Really?"

"Yes, Lord. They're one of ours too."

"This is silly. All the really evil sounding names are being used by weakling loyalists while it seems as though the forces of chaos have got the naff monikers. Are there any more of these I should know about?"

"A few, Lord."

"OK then, spell it out for me, starting with Loyalists that sound like traitors and then moving onto traitors that sound like Loyalists."

"I will attempt to do so, Lord. OK - the Loyalists that sound like traitors... the Marauders, Rampagers, Destroyers and Storm Lords (all White Scar second foundings in point of fact)."

"I like the sound of the Storm Lords. You sure they aren't one of ours?"

"Quite sure. Then there's the Blood Drinkers and the Flesh Tearers - both of which are Loyalist second founding of the Blood Angels."

"With names like that I'd always assumed they were more bone headed followers of the blood god."

"Not so far, My Lord. Then there's the Red Talons..."

"I thought they were renegade pirates."

"No Lord, that's the Red Corsairs."

"Oh. OK. Continue."

"The Brazen Claws are loyalists too."

"Good name for a Khornate force though isn't it?"

"Yes Lord. Then there's the Black Guard (not to be confused with the Black Legion which IS one of ours), the Revilers, and the Raptors."

"Hold on a minute! The Raptors? They're definitely ours. Hell we've got a small unit of them attached to our forces haven't we?"

"My Lord, those are the troops known as Raptors but there is also a loyalist legion with the same name."

"Must get a bit confusing for the loyalists then?"

"I imagine so, My Lord. There are also the Doom Eagles, the Silver Skulls, and the Iron Hands (not to be mistaken for the Iron Warriors, who are ours)."

"Bloody hell. Is that it?"

"There are also some lesser known chapters that also seem to cause occasional confusion."

"Such as..."

"The Doomfarers are one that our forces have occasionally encountered."

"Oh yeah. Those yoyos. So what about the Chaos forces that sound like loyalists then..."

"Well as mentioned earlier there are The Emperor's Children, The Iron Warriors, the Thousand Sons, the Lunar Wolves (who changed their name to the Sons of Horus and then to the Black Legion)..."

"Well at least they're easily IDed as one of ours now. The Black Legion eh? Now that's a proper name. Just postively oozes evil from every pore."

"Yes, Lord. To continue, there are also the Word Bearers, and the Alpha Legion."

"The Word Bearers? What kind of silly name is that for a Chaos Legion?"

"They used to be missionarys sire"

"We you'd think that once they switched to our side they'd change their name to something a little more in keeping with being evil mad men. I mean come on 'The Word Bearers'? It's a silly name."

"Yes my Lord"

"You know, I think the forces of Chaos should have proper Chaos names. There's no room for mistakes when you're called something like 'The World Eaters' or 'The Death Guard'..."

"Actually Lord, both those chapters had those names when they were loyalists."

"You're kidding."

"No, My Lord."

"Yeesh. I would have thought names like that would be a bit scary for the average imperial citizen. I mean "Yay we're being rescued by the World Eaters" just doesn't sound credible while "Aargh! Flee! It's the World Eaters" seems much more likely."

"Yes, My Lord. I believe the latter is more likely these days anyway."

"Makes no bloody sense at all."

"Yes, My Lord."

"Kill 'em all and let the Chaos Gods sort 'em out I say."

"Sounds like a completely reasonable approach to me, My Lord."


Things you dont want to hear when your in the Imperial guard

Things you don't wanna hear when you're in the Imperial Guard:

"We're outta ammo?"

"CHARGE!!!"

"Khorne Beserkers good fighters? Us Cadians can handle them!"

"You mean you FORGOT the Leman Russes?"

"Why are the Dark Angels surrounding us?"

"Welcome to the Cata- PRIVATE!!!! THERE'S A WRINKLE IN YOUR BANDANA!!!! IRON IT OUT, THEN GIVE ME 500 LAPS AROUND THE BASE!!"

"Funny, the Ogryns don't smell as bad when dead."

"Hey, a grenade without a pin!"

"You just had to forget the gas for the chimera, didn't you?"

"You know, guys...Chaos isn't SO bad"

"Fix bayonets!"

"Whaddya mean orbital bombardment?"

"We missed our shooting phase?"

"Hey, Sarge, this thing just fell out of the sky, it's all fleshy and squishy, and there are scratching noises inside."

Colonel: "We're gonna die! We should all flee!"

Commissar: "Just this once, I agree with you!"

"Extermina-what?"

"Hehe, that's a good practical joke, plugging the tank's guns... let's stay really close to it so we can see the looks on their faces!"

"Our regiment has been assigned to fight in the Third Armageddon War? Sounds fun!"

"Sweet! And I get to be one of them? Man, this is so cool! I can't wait! Hey, what are the Last Chancers anyway?"

"Boy, I hope those artillery guys got the right coordinates..."

"Hah! Those Chaos dopes spelled 'surrender' with only one R!"

"I'm your new commanding officer. Now, this is my first command, so go easy on me, okay?"

"See? Lasguns can take anything. Drop it, throw it in the swamp, use it as a club, and it still...uh oh."

"Well, we're low on ammo, our radio's busted, and we've got genestealers coming in on all sides. Let's charge them!"


50 Ways to annoy your opponent

1. Bring a hand puppet. Question it constantly as to what is the best course of action.

2. Bring a small model coffin with undertakers. Everytime a model dies, escort it off the battlefield and give it model funeral. Remember to hum the funeral theme tune.

3. Bring a falsified rulebook ( hours of fun ).

4. Shave your head. Paint your skin green. Wear a nose ring. Grunt a lot.

5. Flip a coin at the start of the game. After observing the outcome, claim that you have won the game. Look upset if your opponent denies this. Sulk.

6. Bring 20 printed pages of notes and intellectual-looking glasses. Refuse to let your opponent look at them. Refer to them throughout the game. Speak aloud as you read- "he's gone there, so contingency plan 8a means that I should..."

7. Insist opponent rolls all your dice for you. Complain and insult your opponent if you get any bad rolls.

8. Before the game, do a little dance and motion to the gods. Curse your opponent dramatically.

9. Arrive before your opponent. Set up your army and then take the other side of the table. Act as if you are expecting to play with your opponent's army.

10. Add a spring loading system to your cannon. Bring lots of ball bearings.

11. Bring a plastic kid's sword and 'challenge' your opponent. If he refuses, claim you have won the game through his forfeit.

12. Play dead if your general dies.

13. Bring a Land-raider model from 40K. Leave it sitting conspicuously on your side of the table. Make cryptic references to the power of laser cannon in WHFB.

14. Complain that you don't think you can trust your hero.

15. Act as if you are a sports commentator. Commentate on the game. Incessantly.

16. Ask politely if your opponent wouldn't kill your general. Explain that its his birthday.

17. Bring a smoke machine. Insist on recreating the "fog of war".

18. Sacrifice a goblin to Mork before the game. Saw off its head with a craft knife.

19. Arrange models in a diorama in the middle of the battle. Take photos for a "battle report."

20. Sharpen your goblins' spears before the game with a craft knife. Grin widely.

21. Cackle diabolically. "The World is mine! Nothing can stop me now!"

22. State before the game that you are playing for the title of the champion of the universe.

23. Feel the personal loss of every soldier. "Alas, poor Yorrick, I knew him well."

24. Lament the woes of war loudly. Faint when a model dies.

25. Add sound FX. Kaboom!

26. Ask if you can have TV rights to the game.

27. Just to surprise your opponent, agree amicably with and compliment your opponent!

28. Declare that you are opposed to the senseless destruction of our forests. Refuse to let him kill your treemen. Refuse to let him move through woods.

29. Insist on a lunch break for your troops. Bring a model Mr. Whippy Van.

30. Explain that you are a pacifist. Call off the game immediately.

31. Order your miniatures in your best Sergeant-Major voice. "Quick march, on the double- hut!"

32. Ask if your opponent is opposed to nuclear warfare. Carry a small spherical device. Give no other reasons.

33. Wear a crown. Say that you are the "Lord of the Galaxy". Get a horde of admirers to cheer you on.

34. Bring a stuffed, shaved poodle. Say it is your mascot.

35. Grow a Hitler moustache and wear a swastika. 'Discipline' your troops if they fail to salute you.

36. Cheer on your miniatures.

37. Hide under the table at the start of the game. Make your opponent drag you out. Speak in a nervous whisper. Confide in him that you are scared of his troops.

38. Leave a false army list lying around. Snatch it back angrily if your opponent starts to read it, but leave it visible.

39. Pull out an ace surreptitiously ( but obviously ) from your sleeve during the magic phase. Look pleased. Try to play it.

40. Keep a deck of Magic the Gathering cards handy. When you are told it is "the magic phase" bring out the cards and start to shuffle them. Ask if he wants to cut your deck.

41. Speak in Skaven. Neek- Neek!

42. Tell him you've brought weighted dice. Complain about the uselessness of modern technology when you start to roll ones.

43. Bring a lamp. Rub it and make three wishes before the game. Look at your opponent accusingly if they don't immediately come true. Ask him if he's used it.

44. Ask what year it is. Ask where you are. Ask what game you are going to play. If he says warhammer, bring out an antique mallet and hit him with it. Smile a corny grin.

45. Make references to a spy/traitor in his army.

46. Don't place your wizard on the board at the start of the game. At the end of your deployment, use a small explosive device to create a smoke screen and place down the wizard behind it while you yell, "poof!". When the smoke dissipates, say, "Tadaa!"

47. Have a history written for every trooper. Start a family feud.

48. Poor cheese sauce all over your opponent's army. Complain that it is cheesy.

49. Come with an army painted completely flora purple. Wear dark glasses.

50. Attempt to bribe your opponent's characters. Turn away quickly if your opponent looks at you questioningly. Deny everything.

Uses for a lasgun

Warming soup.

When left on, a seat warmer in your Leman Russ.

Disco effects/pyrotechnics.

Cigarette lighter.

Changing T.V. channels.

Selling to get funds for a better weapon.

Throwing at the enemy (may do more damage)

Using for grave marking for IG troops.

Collecting (eventually you might have enough to do some damage)

Paperweight.

Skeet shooting.

A cooking utensil.

Looking slightly menacing.

Strapping onto a Boltgun as a laser sight.

Annoying friends by shining it in their eyes repeatedly

Burning ants
Invoco la fuerza de la ardilla canadiense
Fuerza almendra yo te invoco

Superpodereeeees AAAAARGH!

Desconectado Darius

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Re: Un poquejo de humor(en ingles)
« Respuesta #1 en: 19 de Noviembre de 2009, 15:08:03 »

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Re: Un poquejo de humor(en ingles)
« Respuesta #2 en: 19 de Noviembre de 2009, 15:10:37 »

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Re: Un poquejo de humor(en ingles)
« Respuesta #3 en: 19 de Noviembre de 2009, 15:12:43 »

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Re: Un poquejo de humor(en ingles)
« Respuesta #4 en: 19 de Noviembre de 2009, 15:14:43 »

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Re: Un poquejo de humor(en ingles)
« Respuesta #5 en: 19 de Noviembre de 2009, 15:16:58 »
« Última modificación: 19 de Noviembre de 2009, 15:23:29 por Darius »

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Re: Un poquejo de humor(en ingles)
« Respuesta #6 en: 19 de Noviembre de 2009, 15:27:15 »